sensuelegedachten:

Never stop flirting with her, even after she is yours

spockothyprime:

lieutenant-sapphic:

gosencrantz and ruildenstern

Cursed

despazito:

*old man voice* back in my day tik tok was a ke$ha song

slutmogs:

Are you threatening me with violence

heywriters:

mbrainspaz:

mbrainspaz:

mbrainspaz:

talking to my dad is a freaking minefield. Today at dinner I asked him if he’d ever been to New York City in the 90′s and he was like, “nope. Only in the 70′s to donate blood for my mom in the hospital while she was dying from leukemia.” I swear I didn’t even know my grandmother had leukemia (may she rest in peace). This is worse than the time I asked him if he’d ever had riding lessons and he said, “not since my childhood lesson pony burned to death in a barn fire in Kentucky.”

he just did it again! I was making small talk while we were carrying in the groceries like, “yeah I have a taser in my purse but I’ve never gotten to use it,” and he goes, “I’ve been tasered before it’s not fun. Neither was waterboarding.” 

wtf dad

latest edition: 

me: I found a bottle of vic’s vapo rub in the cabinet that expired in 2002 but it was fine. 

my dad: Oh I don’t touch that stuff but guys I worked with used it to mask the smell of bodies that’d been dead for a while. 

is your dad an ex-assassin

forza-tricolor:

wrongmovehoe:

deatheatspicklechips:

uppestoftownchics:

tastefullyoffensive:

(via tigerleli)

The balls to try and pull that off with the professor of criminology, though.

You can tell which one’s really from a professor because the fake one has that professional sign off and the real ones end in “Sent from my iPhone”

classical-crap:

musician me: ah yes, this means principal bassoon
my usual dumbass intrusive thoughts: frog prince

retroowl8:

No one will know the violence it took to become this gentle.